John Brown / San Francisco Chronicle – 2006-06-26 23:39:45
STATE DEPARTMENT TELEGRAM
(June 25, 2006) —
TO: All ambassadors
FROM: Undersecretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Karen Hughes
THROUGH: The White House — Mr. Karl Rove
SUBJECT: Ambassadorial Suicide Initiative: Follow-up to Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs Colleen Graffy’s New Initiative on Suicide as a Good PR Move
REFERENCE: DAS Graffy interview with BBC, June 2006, in which she asserted that three suicides of Arab detainees at Guantanamo were “a good PR move to draw attention.”
SUMMARY: You are instructed to commit suicide soonest. End Summary.
Because of relentless jihadist propaganda, the respect of the world toward the United States — that is, the number of Americans that will vote Republican in the November congressional elections — has diminished immensely in recent months. Al Qaeda operatives, using venues ranging from mosques to the Internet, have damaged the honor of our country throughout the world — that is, Republicans’ electability among American voters. The terrorists’ latest tactic has been for their infiltrators to commit suicide in the U.S. government facility in Guantanamo, Cuba, where they are housed, fed and protected, in the best Christian/American traditions, from the Geneva Conventions. So, in order to win the struggle against violent extremism, we have no choice but to use bin Laden’s own methods, just as we used the Soviets’ propaganda tricks against the Soviet Union during the Cold War.
Your suicide must be carefully planned. We strongly recommend the following steps, reluctantly recognizing that local conditions may require minor variations in these instructions. If you feel you must introduce changes to these orders, please obtain the appropriate authorization from the Department’s Special Task Force for Ambassadorial Suicide (STFAS). Do not call (even through a secure line) or e-mail; send a cable through official channels, as your survivors’ benefits may depend on the extent to which you have followed the Department’s obligatory recommendations. Do not, repeat do not, expect to outlive your suicide.
NOTE: Your funeral expenses will not be covered by the Department at this time of budgetary constraints.
1. On Monday 9 a.m. sharp next week, you — American ambassadors worldwide — must meet with your Country Team (CT), the heads of sections of the Embassy under your supervision: political, economic, consular, administrative, public diplomacy.
ALLOWED EXCEPTION: If a Republican fundraiser wishes to have breakfast with you, you are permitted to delay your CT meeting.
2. During the meeting, describe to the CT STFAS’ priorities in detail (a document on these priorities is forthcoming in the diplomatic pouch and might not reach you in time; but you must state what it says). Insist that no leaks about the STFAS program are permitted, citing presidential adviser Karl Rove as an example of how the illegal dissemination of classified information can be prevented. Provide STFAS initiative details as described below.
3. Once you have made it clear to your staff why your ambassadorial suicide is a must in the propaganda war, take steps for the implementation of the program.
1. After the CT meeting, the Public Affairs (PA) Section of your Embassy should immediately get in touch with all Embassy contacts — in government, NGOs, media, academe — and inform them that the American ambassador is going to commit suicide to show his undying support for U.S. principles and values as incarnated by President George W. Bush.
NOTE: The White House will contact the American media directly about the STFAS initiative.
2. The site for this suicide should be where America is best known and respected in local communities, such as McDonald’s or movie theaters that show Hollywood blockbusters. Do not, repeat do not, implement STFAS at a “cultural” venue (e.g., art gallery, concert hall), as this could divert from the straight policy — that is, PR — message of your initiative.
3. The hour of your suicide on Tuesday next week — 8:30 a.m. — has been chosen so your dying action will be covered live by many of the early morning news shows in the U.S.
NOTE: Sponsors of these infotorment programs will be funeral houses that contribute to the campaigns of Republican congressional candidates.
4. Method of suicide: While seated in a prominent area of your chosen death venue and surrounded by media as well as by Embassy staff wearing Bush/Cheney buttons and American flag pins, you should read out loud President Bush’s speeches since he has been elected president. This will cause your passing to occur in a time span ranging from 30 seconds to one minute. No cyanide pill will be necessary. Embassy staff should display utmost decorum — i.e., chew gum more rapidly — during your last gasps. When you die, staff should leap up, clap and cheer loudly, “Bush/Cheney forever, Bush/Cheney forever, Bush/Cheney forever.”
NOTE: This cheer can also be uttered in the host-country language through interpreters, to assure widespread dissemination of our message.
5. Your corpse will be removed by Embassy Marine Security Guards. It will be flown to the United States on the very day of your last day on Earth by a U.S. Air Force jet.
NOTE: Due to budgetary constraints, do not expect that your coffin, once stateside, will be transported by a USG vehicle to its final destination. That is the responsibility of your immediate relatives and/or friends. If they elect not to pick up your remains, your body will be disposed of in an appropriate manner.
NOTE: We are in communications with the FBI on how to use unclaimed ambassadorial bodies for forensic research on the effects that the president’s announcements on weapons of mass destruction (WMD) have had on the human brain.
1. For your next assignment, and as a reward for your loyalty and your commitment to Bush ideals, you have a choice to represent the administration in one of two extraterrestrial assignments: heaven (non-hardship) or hell (hardship). Please inform personnel of your decision through the Extrasensory Perception Channel (EPC).
2. We look forward to working with you in the future in our joint efforts to improve America’s image everywhere.
Drafted by: JBrown
John Brown is a former diplomat who compiles the Public Diplomacy Press Review, available free upon request at the site www.uscpublicdiplomacy.org/pdpr or by e-mailing email@example.com. This piece also appeared on www.commondreams.org
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